“No matter how old you are, there’s a good chance that the word “popular” immediately transports you back to your teenage years.” Think back to your school years, do you remember the popular kids? Were you a popular kid yourself?
“Even as adults we all still remember exactly where we stood in that social hierarchy, and the powerful emotions associated with our status persists decades later. This may be for good reason.”
I grew up as a bit of a tomboy in an all-girls school – that automatically gave me a certain degree of attention and I understood the power of likability early on – albeit unconsciously. This book helped me understand how some of my early experiences still influence my self-image, my expectations and also my fears.
The good news is it can all be changed for the better.
“Popular – The power of likability in a status-obsessed world”
Mitch Prinstein is a professor of Psychology and the director of clinical psychology at the University of Carolina at Chapel Hill. In this book, he explores why popularity plays such a key role in our development and, ultimately, how it still influences our happiness and success today.
The Beginning
“Popularity is the most valuable and easily accessible currency available to youth”. There are always a few kids who seem to be popular effortlessly. You see the dynamics at birthday parties, on playgrounds and other social settings. We like to believe that once we leave school, the drama around ‘who’s popular’ fades away. Look closely, and you will see that these dynamics are still a part of our everyday adult life, even though they may look a bit different today. This is because, the factors that make adults popular are not much different to what seemed to matter on the playground.
“Our species is uniquely and remarkably attuned to our social position because many years ago we relied on each other for safety… research now reveals that social rejection activates the same regions of the brain that are known to respond to physical pain.”
The Adult Playground
Run a small social experiment. Agree with a friend / partner to keep a journal that records each of your individual decisions. Track everything, particularly the small stuff. Like whom greeted, what you decided to wear, what videos/reels you watched, what information you wanted to share with others etc. etc. At the end of two weeks, discuss the list and identify the underlying emotion that drives each decision. What % of decisions are driven by unspoken desires for social recognition?
“Our unspoken desires to be popular changes the decisions we make, the kind of relationships we form, and even how we raise our children, usually in ways we are not even aware of… In a very real manner, our experiences with popularity are always occupying our minds. We never really left high school at all.”
The white-collar version of ‘popularity’ is familiar: titles, influence, visibility, networks. We track our status. But what if truly meaningful success isn’t driven by status alone—but by likability: being someone people trust, enjoy working with, want to engage with?
The Problems with Popularity
“What’s Wrong with What We Want?” This is perhaps the most powerful question in this book.
To understand the roots of this desire for social recognition, the book delves into some research by Dr. Jane Goodall which suggests that aggressive behavior is one very effective way that animals establish dominance. They want to assert their seniority by attacking anyone who presents a threat.
“Dr. Jane Goodall discovered that chimpanzees want to be popular too.”
We should have evolved since then, but I am sure all of us have been at the receiving end of some chimpanzee like behavior.
“Unlike other uses of aggression that are hot-blooded, impulsive – also known as ‘reactive aggression’- proactive aggression is cold-blooded, calculating, and targeted precisely toward those who threaten the perpetrator’s dominance. Proactive aggression is goal-oriented, and the goal is to obtain or defend status. Bullying is the best-known expression of proactive aggression.”
Is popularity the same as status or dominance?
Two Faces of Popularity
One of the most thought-provoking insights in the book is the clear distinction between status-based popularity and likability-based popularity. And why the latter is worth having.
“After accounting for all of the usual qualities that contribute to well-being and success – intelligence, socio-economic status, school achievement, physical health, mental health and so on- there is one factor that has remarkable power to predict life trajectories, It predicts which children thrive. It predicts which employees succeed. It even predicts who enjoys more rewarding romantic relationships and better physical health. That factor is likability – not status, but likability.”
So why do most people chase status and not likability?
“..the ability to establish great relationships with others seems to be every bit as important to success if not more, yet it’s not taught in a formal way.”
Prinstein argues that status (visibility, power, influence) becomes the more familiar currency in adolescence—and continues in adulthood—but that likability (making others feel valued, included) is far more enduring and beneficial. It is just harder to understand why the latter is more meaningful.
Parenting or Leading: Time to make better choices
Another dimension the book emphasises is how parents influence their children’s popularity- by modelling likability, nurturing empathy and connection rather than status-hunting. Applaud the feedback that your child is ‘affectionate & kind’ – more loudly than when they top a class for example.
Parenting today is even more challenging as the peer group is no longer limited to everyday in-person interactions.
“Among scholars in communication studies, the media is referred to as a ‘super-peer’ given it’s commanding role is not just reflecting but establishing our values.”
Prinstein argues: “We spend so much time, energy, and funding attending to factors we think can improve children’s chances at a happy and successful life, but we have neglected the one factor that is perhaps most important of all: our children’s ability to get along well with others..”
This is important if you are a parent. But even as a professional, a mentor, a leader: are you encouraging people to chase “visibility” or to cultivate genuine likability?
Sure, status (firm name, title, recognition) opens doors. But likability – authenticity, trust, being someone people like and want to work with – that sustains relationships. I am fortunate to have a role model in this regard – my older child.
Why This Matters Now
In a world where social media, professional networks and leadership roles make visibility easier than ever, the temptation to chase status is real. But Prinstein warns that the ‘status-only’ path can be fragile and costly. Likability offers something deeper and it yields more sustained value.
The idea that ‘how people like you’ matters maybe even more than ‘how many people know you’ is a powerful lens.
“I hope (this book) will promote a reconsideration of our culture’s current relationship with popularity. Society has become fixated on status and all of its trappings- fame, power, wealth, and celebrity- even though research suggests that this is exactly what we should be avoiding if we want to foster a culture of kindness and contentment. This is concerning for all of us, but perhaps especially for today’s youth who are being raised in a society that values status in new and potentially dangerous ways.”
Ruta