One of my previous bosses used to say – ‘Repetition, Repetition, Repetition’, that’s what works for some ideas to take root.
Dr. Henry Cloud has done quite a lot of that in his book “Necessary Endings”, and for good reasons.
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Necessary Endings
-Dr. Henry Cloud
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I don’t think there is another book out there of this quality on exploring the idea of ‘putting an end to things’, as an essential step for growth. I do introspect (more than I should probably) – but even then, I’ve never really asked myself, ‘what do I need to put an end to’, particularly if it is going well. This book will challenge you to re-think all that.
All those standard notions – ‘Why fix something that is not broken?’; ‘A known devil is better than an unknown God’; ‘Try & try till you succeed’ et cetera. I’ve just discarded all those from my vocabulary for the future!
Necessary Endings explores the circumstances in which, one should decide to simply just stop investing in something (a business, a habit, a relationship, a job, an idea). And then it elaborates on the techniques of how to actually go about it. We all know that there are some aspects of our lives that no longer serve the purpose of who we see ourselves becoming in the future. And no matter how good the present is – it will simply not lead you into that future. And everything – everything – depends on our ability to see that clearly, confront it, create an artificial urgency around it, cut the cord and take a leap of faith.
Let’s dive in.
THE UNIVERSALITY OF ENDINGS
Dr. Cloud is a leadership coach to CEOs and also a clinical psychologist. This book has many stories and examples from his interviews and consulting – and so they are very real. And I am sure, these will be quite relatable particularly if you are a working professional.
The objective of the book is to help see an ending as a key driver of growth – and not a negative concept. More importantly it also gives the readers tools on how to evaluate the need to put an end to something / someone and also how to do it well.
“Getting to the next level always requires ending something, leaving it behind, and moving on. Growth itself demands that we move on. Without the ability to end things, people stay stuck, never becoming who they are meant to be, never accomplishing all that their talents and abilities should afford them.”
PRUNING
Dr. Cloud presents a very easy to understand analogy to explain the need for endings. He brings up the concept of “pruning”.
“If you have ever seen a healthy rosebush with its vibrant, fully mature blooms, you know the admiration that the one who nurtured that beauty deserves…..There is also a method behind that.. it is called pruning. Pruning is the process of proactive endings.”
Think of your life as a rosebush, and you are the gardener.
He goes on to explain that every rosebush has:
- Healthy branches that have maximum potential to bloom
- Healthy enough branches but not the best ones
- Sick branches which will not get better, and essential time is being lost
- Dead branches which are simply taking up space
It is in this context that he draws parallels with the idea of ‘pruning’ in business and in life, as a leader or as an individual. He brings up the fact that all pruning moments will lead to an Intellectual response and an Emotional response.
“If we accept the premise that pruning is necessary but still notice that we have an emotional misalignment with that premise, we will struggle to realize our vision of the future and our potential.”
This is a very important chapter in the book and requires the reader to really reflect. All of us have the tendency to not do something that we think will cause hurt. Endings often involve some amount of hurt – it is impossible otherwise. This is where the author presents this gem of a thought – “There is a big difference between hurt and harm”. As long as we are working towards a good outcome and not causing harm – the temporary hurt is a price worth paying.
PURPOSE OF PRUNING
This is probably the toughest part of the journey. The question ‘what do you really want’? Life has many cycles and it is important to recognize that your priorities will change, you needs could change, your desires could change. All that should be infused with a heavy dose of practicality – like paying for the bills, whether in life or business. And that should lead you to a picture for the future. Being comfortable with the idea that this could change and feeling unencumbered by external expectations is a healthy combination to have.
“..you have to know the standard you are pruning toward.”
“All of your precious resources – time, energy, talent, passion, money – should only go to the buds of your life or your business that are the best, are fixable, and are indispensable.”
GETTING IN LINE WITH REALITY
So, lets imagine that you have answered the question on what the future should look like. And what pruning is needed to get you there.
Now comes that inevitable moment where, you will find yourself hesitating. ‘Maybe I don’t need to put an end to this or that, it might change. I am hopeful.”
“Leaders by nature are often optimistic and hopeful, but if you do not have some criteria by which you distinguish legitimate optimism from false hope, you will not get the benefits of pruning…Wise people know when to quit.”
Dr. Cloud explains that because there is a negative connotation to ‘endings’ – we tend to avoid them.
One key step to shift your mindset, is to normalize endings. Don’t see them as failures but as a necessary step to onward movement.
“Do not be surprised by obsolescence: expect it and plan for it”.
We tend to normalize the pain of our current circumstances, ‘no pain, no gain’, we tell ourselves.
“There is a difference between pain with a purpose. And pain for no good (enough) reason.”
Another slippery slope we often tend to go on to avoid the ‘ending’, is wishful thinking. ‘Things will change’, we tell ourselves. Why? What developments lead you to believe that things will change? Are those reasons objective and solid – or just stories you are telling yourself?
“There is a difference in wishing and hoping – a desire without any grounds is a ‘wish’, because it is not necessarily based on reality.”
Get in line with reality.
So how to evaluate whether you have solid grounds for hope? Real hope?
“when a credit card company decides whether or not to place hope in you and give you credit for another month, it doesn’t look at how hopeful or enthusiastic you are to pay them back..It looks at your past performance..”
The sanest thing to do in evaluating if there are real grounds for hope is – look at past performance. Of the products, business lines or even people involved in the subject matter for pruning. What gives you reason to believe that performance or behavior will change? What facts, figures, structures, new monitoring mechanisms, new leadership, new industry development or client dynamics etc. has changed the circumstances? And have they changed enough to keep you on track for where you want to be?
“Do I want this same reality, frustration, or problem six months from now? What reason is there to hope that tomorrow is going to be different? What in the picture is changing that can give me grounds to hope for a different outcome to what I have seen in the past?”
If the answer is – no, nothing is likely to change – then you know what the next step should be. It is time for a necessary ending that can help free up your most precious resources for more gainful outcomes or even just rest.
THE WISE. THE FOOLISH. THE EVIL.
“This is often the biggest error that people make in determining whether to have hope or not. They forget to think about whom they are depending on to get it done. Instead, they look at what they want or wish to happen and forget who is holding the putter.”
So which kinds of People deserve your trust when you decide to have hope and delay the pruning?
A gentle reminder to you all, that Dr. Cloud is a clinical psychologist. By his own admission, he doesn’t like to categorize people in boxes simply “because human behavior is much more complex than that.” And despite that, he presents three categories of People and how to decide who you can place your trust in. It was shocking how this simple categorization will work for almost anybody evaluating a pruning decision.
“You cannot deal with everyone in the same way.”
– “With wise people, talk to them, give them resources, and you will get a return.”
– “With foolish people, stop talking, they are not listening (they are only trying to adjust the truth to whatever is convenient to them). Instead give them consequences. (and be prepared to follow through).”
– “With Evil people – Lawyers, Guns and Money”! Basically, get out and go into protection mode.”
In a nutshell – “You talk to the wise people about problems and you talk to the fools about consequences, do not talk to evil people at all.”
The book elaborates on what are the classic traits of a wise, foolish and an evil person are, in this context. And that could be a WHOLE other blog. But as a giveaway – this has nothing to do with intellectual capacity – it is simply behavioral traits that lead the person to be a certain away.
CREATING URGENCY FOR A NECESSARY ENDING
This is the ‘call for action’ part of the book. I’ve been in so many situations where I’ve witnessed a ‘lack of urgency’ even though everyone agrees there is a dire need for change/ an ending. And I’ve always wondered, why the facts before a group don’t spur them into action fast enough (and sometimes not at all).
This is where I found the reason.
“Pain without purpose”, is a classic trap. We tend to normalize the situation that is causing pain, particularly if it has been that way long enough, simply because we are familiar. And we don’t know what the ‘outside’ world would be like, what if it’s worse? This is the trap we should all get out of. Fast.
The first step is recognizing the pain. A toothache should not get you to see the dentist only when it hurts like hell at 3 a.m., but well before that.
The second step is actually creating a sense of urgency in your head. Even if there isn’t anything around in your environment signaling a threat.
“..if I said, ‘Get up and go outside’, but you were relatively comfortable where you are, you would resist my suggestion. But if I said, “The building is on fire! Get out now!” What would you do then?
The challenge is self-initiating that urgency to break through the stall/comfort level you are in. Pretend there is a fire in the building if you must, but get moving.
“Urgent behavior is not driven by a belief that all is well or that everything is a mess, but, instead, that the world contains great opportunities and great hazards. …Urgent action is created..by a gut-level determination to move…”
SET DEADLINES
I have been in situations in life where we would excitedly discuss something with a great deal of urgency – almost like it will lead to a decision tomorrow. And then nothing happens after. While this can be a good way to feel motivated or vent, say with your partner or friend, it serves only that purpose. That’s not the urgency we are talking about here.
“Do you want to take more time to get a little more out of what you don’t want?” Think about that sentence.
Once you have identified a necessary ending – create a deadline, set up a plan to communicate with the people involved and always have consequences in your head if those deadlines are missed. This will ensure that the energy you invested in coming to that point, leads to a definitive outcome. It shows you that you take yourself very seriously. It shifts something about how you perceive yourself and will enhance the sense of agency you feel in your life. And that’s from personal experience.
IDENTIFY INCOMPATIBLE WISHES
For the best possible outcomes in executing your ‘necessary ending’, you have to be able to identify incompatible wishes. And choose the one that matters most.
“I want to get the team moving, but I don’t want to have to deal with the conflict that it is going to bring up.”
“I want to eat all the brownies, and I want to fit into my jeans.”
Get the drift?
“Part of maturity is getting to the place where we can let go of one wish in order to have another.”
SETTING THINGS IN MOTION
It might be time to have that dreaded conversation to set things in motion for your ‘necessary ending’. Dr. Cloud offers a valuable framework.
“-Get the tone right
-Validate the person and the relationship if you have to (business or life)
-Get agreement and ensure you are understood (‘Thanks for hearing me out, could you share what you think about what I said?’)
-Deal with defensiveness and reactions (“I understand why you think that way. But unfortunately, I have come to a different conclusion, this is what is right for me.)
-Except in rare cases, don’t burn bridges
-Above all, don’t be squishy – no wiggle room. “
METABOLIZE YOUR ENDING
“At any given moment, you are an amalgam of what has happened up until that moment. So, if your last experience has been properly metabolized, you are ready.”
Dr. Cloud has another great analogy. Just as your body ingests food and processes it, keeping the good stuff and discarding the rest; Life’s food is ‘experiences’. Taking the time to process the experiences is important and unfortunately not a natural biological process. You don’t have to hold on to all experiences, just keep the valuable stuff and learn from it. This will add value to your life by improving the quality of your decisions. The decisions that ultimately get you to where you want to be.
This book has been a great reminder of some simple but important lessons in life. It will help you take inventory of what’s not serving the ‘future you’. It will help you plan against the right parameters. It will help you decide where you can and should have hope – and where not.
Finally, the courage to execute it all – that’s on you.
“Remember, you were not designed to cope but to thrive.”
Big hug. x